There is no comfort quite like the comfort offered by forward-focused excuses. “Forward-focused” means we aren’t explaining away past behavior – If only I had a good night of sleep I would have crushed that test– but rather dreaming and hoping that If I get this thing in the future, then my current issue will be resolved. The current issue is almost always some form of unhappiness. Hence the comfort: one is able to soothe himself with an explanation (read: excuse) for why the present unhappiness won’t persist forever. After all, suffering is easier to endure when it plausibly promises to be less than infinite.

But there’s also comfort via the meaning derived from chasing. What will you do with your time when eating, sleeping, and work are completed? Even the most motivated needs more than margaritas and some great show on Netflix. To have a forward-focused excuse provides a satisfactory answer that creates good feelings through both the pleasant thoughts of the-stuff-that-you-could-do and the tangible actions undertaken. Armed with an answer, you now have an additional reason to wake up, at least on some days.

Some days may not seem all that comforting … until you compare it to no days. Until you consider that there’s someone else, perhaps you in an earlier form, that experienced dips into unhappiness without any excuse coming to the rescue; the difference between infinite and anything less than is a quite considerable gap.

So why get this thing at all? Why not just remain in a state of chase with its associated benefits? Just look at all those suicidal lottery winners. Or those people who “have it all” and are still searching for excuses. How can people get exactly what they want and it not be enough? Are we, fully grown adults with towering intellectual abilities, really that stupid about ourselves? Before I build this up any more: I don’t have a solution – this is climaxing to nothing. Like, I could make some pithy remarks about Want what you already have or Remind yourself what it felt like to be without what you are now with, but we know this isn’t going to help in a permanent way. Similarly with Just be present: you can’t trick yourself out of wanting through sheer command.

Keep wanting. Keep with forward-focused excuses. Don’t fight what is so natural it could only be avoided by, maybe, living in a faraway cave with no material possessions or relationships. Do shift the wanting to remove absolution. There is no one thing that will save you, including marriage; happiness is far too fleeting for if x then happy to ever work. Just a little expectation adjustment.

And then, importantly, use that thing you wanted that you now have – marriage – to change the style of excuse-making. Your optionality is now reduced because you are at a MUCH higher base. This doesn’t happen when you buy a 4K TV, soon adapt to its precise colors, and begin craving a 5K TV. But with the binding commitment of marriage, you have closed some options to bring on higher-level ones. Why higher-level? Just travel to the local hospital and find a random 65+ patient. She’ll reliably tell you the best parts of life are those parts shared with and for others. Yes, you’ve heard this. We’ve all heard this. The point is that marriage forces you into this higher-level thinking, which surely is partially why you wanted to get married in the first place. If only I do this thing for this person provides greater, more enduring rewards which helps form a mind that more accurately aligns predictions of If only with what actually happens in reality when the then cashes. So, sure, go ahead and desire that 5K TV, but occasionally check that a far greater percentage of your forward-focused excuses are about your family.

I think you wanted what you wanted because you did indeed know yourselves well. Now enjoy it. Thanks for including me in your wedding. Happy one-year anniversary.