You are our Lebron James. That is, our surefire, “can’t miss,” once-in-a-generation, absolute lock #1 draft choice in the “Road Trip Partner Draft brought to you by State Farm.”

In the current age of analytics, it’s tempting to overcomplicate the obvious. This error, I promise, shall not be made by our organization. In RTPD, there are three metrics that truly matter, and you happen to score perfectly in all three:

one // Driving Skills // Generally accepted as the least important trait in draft prospects, but an area where if the bare minimum standard isn’t met – stick driving competence – an otherwise tantalizing stud becomes undraftable. Supreme driving skills, the let’s-see-how-fast-I-can-go-in-a-neighborhood balls that you flaunt, are often registered as a sort of “tie-breaker” among elite draft choices.

two // Musical Intensity // In older age, it’s easy to dismiss over-the-top reactions to music as the hijinks of youth. Additionally, a growth into more “mature” musical styles does indeed make sense outside of adolescence’s hormonal explosion. But if this “growth” means permanent detachment from music consumption marked by tired biceps (from preposterously hard air-guitaring), tired shoulders (from vicious air punches), and tired throats (from screaming along to songs that essentially require an audience’s shrieks), well, then all is lost. If you want the adoration that welcomes prized recruits, you must be able to genuinely summon your 16-year-old self. You, sir, do this with seeming ease.

three // Conversation Realness // This is the category where the wisdom that accompanies experience is positively beneficial. Yes, teenagers talk about the deepest of things, but not nearly as beautifully as the wisest among us. The challenge is that there is often a correlation between time, wisdom, and reticence – those who know the most say the least. Yes, adults do sit around and “talk” a lot, but these talks are routinely devoid of substance. Some complaints about politics, maybe, but the real stuff, splendid in its ugliness and uncertainty, is reserved for therapy. Which is unacceptable on a road trip, since your co-pilot ain’t no therapist.

I send this knowing we have the #1 pick and that we’ll be drafting you. My hope is that the contract negotiation process can be amicably expedited so that the open road can be ours promptly following RTPD.

I’ll have my GM reach out to your agent ASAP.